Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real

I meant to post this last week and forgot!
Angela


From 12/2/10
Happy Thursday everyone!

I hope you have all recuperated from your Thanksgiving holiday. Mine went too quickly but was very enjoyable.

So, today’s title, “Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real.” This was one of the first acronyms I heard when I came into Al-Anon and boy did it strike home for me.

Yesterday I wrestled with this again. I took my first yoga class after being inactive for years. And I do mean inactive – no swimming, no walking, no exercise basically, period, end of story. So, of course I end up getting into the class late. And then you know I’m sure everyone is looking at me. Mind you, I’m taking this at work too at our gym, so I know half the class. Then I feel awkward and uncomfortable in the first pose or two. But I’m reminding myself in my head, hey, give yourself a break, perfection isn’t the goal here. As I look around the class I realize no one is looking at me. They are in their own space doing their own thing.

While I struggled through the class, I did enjoy it and it is all the stretches I need to be doing to help with my ongoing recovery from knee surgery. Here is where the fear part kicked in. At the end of class as we are relaxing in a final pose called “corpse pose” (basically lying still and trying to quiet the mind and relax the body) I suddenly find myself crying. I’m thinking “What the heck?” I let it happen and tried to figure out where the tears were coming from. I think it was the tension from all that fear. Still there, still not gone, but at least being released in some way from my body and mind. Holey moley. I mean I know I carry a lot of fear around about how I think others think of me. Let’s face it, if you know me, you know I’m not a skinny woman. That is my fear. That I’m not skinny and that because of that people won’t like me. And yet, I have no evidence to support that. Quite the contrary in fact.

Actually I think the fear is even deeper than this. The fear is that I am not a thin woman and therefore I’m never going to find a man to love and who will love me for who I am, no matter what shape my body is in.

Okay, now I’m crying at my desk when I really need to be working. Going to email this to myself to post tonight.

Hugs to all of you who read this. I know the hugs you give me when I see you mean more than you will ever know.

Angela B.