Birthday

Today is my Al-Anon birthday (versus my belly button birthday)! Three years I have been in the program. What a good opportunity for reflection!

Three years ago I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting here in Charlotte. I was in such pain. So confused. The relationships with my sister and my mother had taken a major hit over the holidays. I had spent Christmas with my then boyfriend at his parent’s place in Oregon. Our relationship wasn’t doing so well either, in part due to the explosion he had seen between me, my sister and my mom at Thanksgiving. I don’t know why everything boiled up that year, but boy did it ever.

Old hurts, old resentments, me telling my mother she needed to get on a plane and leave from my sister’s rather than driving home with me. Things were said and done in the turmoil of emotions that were going on that will never be undone.

I can accept that now. I know there is no going back. I can look at my part in the whole mess though. And boy did I have a part in it.

The relationship with my sister is that much stronger for it now. I think we both shared something of ourselves, that although painful, it was good to know about each other. I always pictured her having weathered the chaos of our childhood so much better than I did. How wrong I was! She was just much better at not letting it show.

The relationship with my mom, who I consider my qualifier, is better too. Different, but better. I don’t jump in when she throws out the opportunities to embroil myself in her difficulties, my sister’s difficulties, or anyone else’s difficulties. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. I have learned they each have their own Higher Power and it isn’t me. I can’t fix what isn’t right for them. In most cases I don’t even offer advice now, because I become resentful if they don’t take it. Instead I offer sympathy and a sounding board and then change the subject.

As for my program, well I’m not as far along as I pictured. By my plan I was supposed to be done with Step 4 by this time last year and instead I’m just getting started on it. However, this program has taught me that it is okay and that I don’t have to abide by any time table but the one my Higher Power has planned for me.